I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
