i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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