Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
