you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
