dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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