i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
