Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As shirtless as possible
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
