You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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