i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
