I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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