I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
