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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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