bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
