Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
