maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
