is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
