haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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