Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
