my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
