I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
