I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
