you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
