I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
