I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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