I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
