If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
