The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
now i know why i became what i already was.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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