Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
we should paint friendship bongs
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