I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
