The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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