Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
