He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
