Nicole vs. Life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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