If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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