You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
