why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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