If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
