Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
