this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
