So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
