Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
