Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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