Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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