i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
