It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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