Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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