Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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