dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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