is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
