I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
