I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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